I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
