It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
