Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
