I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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