All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
