Tell her she can't have a vagina
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize