cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
