know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
