I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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