Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize