You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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