Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
