I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
