What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
