Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
