I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
