I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
It's never too late to be topless.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
