get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
