i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I'm passing your future prison.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
