the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
