counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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