I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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