i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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