my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
