An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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