Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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