everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
