she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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