Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
