Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
