Ambien. No doubt about it.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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