i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
