I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My balls are so social today.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
And then my night got REAL pukey
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
