Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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