im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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