When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
