New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
