You just made me feel so damn special
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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