I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
