I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Sober January is a disaster.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
