Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
