Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
