Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
