New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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