Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Text me some of your sweat
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
