Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
