You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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