Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
