It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
