did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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