Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
