His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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