he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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