The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Please don't give away my fajitas
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
