I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
