A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
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