I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
