No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize