found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
