i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Randomize
