3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
