I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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