all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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