The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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