So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
