I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
