Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
