I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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