Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
