Got a toothbrush?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
