tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
